


let it all go

by Anonymous



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, One Shot, lapslock, lisa during jenkai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 14:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19111228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: because lisa manoban doesn't do vulnerable, and yet she's falling apart.





	let it all go

➤

every morning is much the same these days. lisa wakes up, stretches in her cold bed, hopes she will find the strength to go on. hopes her feelings for jennie will not linger any longer, that they will fade.

and yet, they do linger, as surely as the sun shines through these paned windows.

(she is used to waking in a cocoon of warmth and security, and she cannot adjust).

she pulls herself out of bed with more of a groan than she would like. she gets dressed without much care, her eyes gliding over clothes (clothes she wore with her, clothes that hold meaning) with easy, practiced precision. this takes no effort; she is an idol, everything is mechanical. it feels almost rehearsed, and she resents that.

but only for a moment.

(the truth is, she has come to cherish routine. there is no room for change, for error. therefore, there is no room for hurt).

and she is not doing well with hurt.

➤

schedules are tiring. they always were, really – lisa's always felt like she didn't have enough energy to make it through these responsibilities. she would just mask her exhaustion with a cheeky smile, hoping everyone would be fooled into thinking she was perfectly okay. but it is different now; it is almost surreal. she is acutely aware of how empty she feels. and here, in a room with whitewashed walls and filled to the brim with cameras waiting to catch her every move, there is nothing to distract her from this gnawing ache in her chest.

lisa has always been one to entertain romantic sentiments, and it feels like she is missing some integral part of herself. she refuses to analyze it.

instead, she embraces the pain, submerges it deep with the hollow ache in her core. the bile rises in her throat, and for once, she does not push it down. after all, she is nothing if not masochistic.

(and loving jennie did nothing to disprove that). 

➤

lisa is incapable of pretending she is fine. her eyes are red and her hair is mussed and it is just so unlike her, and she feels like surely, someone must notice just how –

at least, she thinks she is transparent. but no one really sees through her. she almost wishes someone understood, or at least tried to. but she knows this is an agony she must bear alone. it is a path she has walked too many times.

chaeyoung asks how she's doing (it is late now, dinnertime, and they are playing with leo and luca as they do most nights), but it is a cursory check.

in truth, chaeyoung has no idea what is going on.

but her brown eyes are concerned, gentle, doleful even, and lisa is grateful for that. she knows that chaeng has a lot on her plate, with her own individual schedules and all, and she is glad that her best friend still worries for her.

but.

"i'm all right," she assures chaeyoung.

there is a moment of silence. and then:

chaeng blinks, nods, turns away.

and see, that is really the problem. chaeyoung cares, but she often does not see. she accepts lisa's statement, even as it is so desperately, unfortunately untrue. and for one blinding, bleeding moment, lisa wishes she had another best friend.

(but only for a moment. because chaeyoung is more than her best friend – she is her sister. and you do not forsake your sister). 

➤

even jisoo intervenes.

she corners her after one of her shoots, and the older girl's eyes are hard, but soft, too, pliable and rigid all at once, that incomparable, inimitable mixture that used to amaze lisa so (now, it only saddens her, and she does not know why).

jisoo's hand rests on her arm. she smiles slightly (it is almost instinctive; she is breaking and jisoo has always seemed to have a rescuer complex). lisa stumbles.

"talk to her," jisoo orders, strong and sure. lisa goes weak at the knees because she knows jisoo's words are right, and she knows she must take her advice. and she is ridiculously, unimaginably afraid.

because lisa manoban doesn't do vulnerable, and yet she is falling apart.

➤ 

and really, it's not about what jennie did and who she's with. (of course it is). it's about who jennie is, who _lisa_ is, who they were when they were... whatever they were. she breaks off in her own thoughts, sighing a little and wiping an errant tear from her cheeks.

her reflection stares back at her, blank and unalive (it is not a word, she knows, but she is past caring). this person is not someone she recognizes. who has she become without jennie?

➤

the turning point is upon her, and lisa knows it, she feels it. she misses jennie; that much is obvious. but that has never been a problem. she worries this just isn't healthy.

but lisa smiles a little, because she loves jennie, and that is magical in and of itself. she's not sure what it means, but she feels hopeful, buoyed.

another day has ended. (she comes to this conclusion every day).

she knows she will accept everything and move on. it's just a matter of time now.

and maybe that's okay.

➤

 


End file.
